just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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