life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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