My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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