Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
