I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
