Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
