I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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