Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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