I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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