"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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