We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
