Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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