New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
