you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
