Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
