Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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