I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize