My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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