Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
