I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
