Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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