I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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