I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
