Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
