Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I love how my cats smell like pot.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
