So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
