You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
