I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
sex in a hospital.. check
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
