I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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