It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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