her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
