Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
