Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
