you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
