So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
