So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
