Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
