i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
