shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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