Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
