My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
