now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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