3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
bring money and cleavage
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
