it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
