god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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