if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
