I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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