That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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