I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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