Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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