yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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