Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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